fucked up

Yeah so I'm already dead, on the inside,
But I can still pretend.
With my memories and photographs,
I've learned to love the lie.
I wanna know what it's
like to be awkward and innocent,
not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful
and pertinent and have common sense


I am tired and hungry and totally useless.

you hate the taste of wine but you drink it till youre blind

i am in such a bad place right now






















where areyounowthatineedyou?

i am aving a panic attack again
a really bad one


not one person i could call to help me
i have no one
and its all my OWN fault
my own selfish fault

i hope i fucking die tonight.
cant
do






this
anymore

i dont know this person
i dont know this person
it isnt me

it's been quite some time scince i wrote and actual blog

soo heres an update on my life:


reunited with margie flynn my lover& drank lots of delish wine
hung out with ryan dangerfield for the first time in 22 was fun
met some boy in my neighborhood who has fantastic aposh
work still = hell on earth
my room is still an awful mess
i cut myself some bangs
still an idiot-jerk
still need money
still need a boyfriend
killed pretty much all of my brain cells

and i think thats that

peace out.

ps
i am drunk

a wolf at the door

But now we speak with

ruined tongues

And the words we say aren’t

meant for anyone.

It’s just a mumbled sentence to

A passing acquaintance,

But there was once you.

You said you hate my suffering,

and you understood

,And you’d take care of me.

You'd always be there.

Well, where are you now?

i never said that iwas brave

I'm waiting for you still
If you'd unlatch the window,
If you'd let me lay there on your floor
If you'd give me another chance,
If you'd forget the pain I caused before
No use in saying how I'm sorry
So I'm trying not to speak
I'll sing in silence, lay beside you
With my face there on your cheek
My stomach swears there's comfort there
In the warmth of the blankets on your bed
My stomach's always been a liar- I'll believe it's lies again

Hemingway has his classic moment in "The Sun Also Rises"
when someone asks Mike Campbell how he went bankrupt.
All he can say is, "Gradually, then suddenly."
That's how depression hits.
You wake up one morning,
afraid that you're gonna live.